On Blue Skies and Wildflowers

This is a real place.  I get to see it and experience its beauty at least once a year... One of my favorite roads, my favorite places.  I like to drive it, but more often I like to walk or run or bike on it, so I can really feel the air and hear the sounds and see the brilliant color.  You know how you read about places that are part of your soul?  Places that refresh you, soothe you, make you feel at home and at peace?  That's what this place is for me.  So on one of my many runs, walks and hikes, I stopped and took time to just drink in this view... The blue sky, blue water, and the pretty wild flowers that cover so much of the landscape.  I thanked God for some of the things summer brought me this year:

-Thankfulness.  That one hundred years ago my great-grandparents thought this was a pretty place to "summer" and started a tradition that continues today.  That my cousins and my siblings see it as our family gathering place, where we can all see each other at least once a year.  That my children love it as much as I do.  That my husband gets why I want this to be my permanent place some day - he knows how we feel when we're here and how we hope someday we can feel that way all year long.

-Growth.  My husband continues a season of personal growth and change.  My kids are growing and spreading their wings.  They each got to experience some out-of-their-comfort-zone camps this year... And they made friends and opened their minds but held true to their beliefs.  And then we came back together, and it was good.  I'm seeing the strengthening of all of our roots and wings.

-Prayer.  A different kind, some days, where I tried to focus my mind like my JOY study says.  Praying less about the asking and more about the gratitude.  Praying less about myself and more about the troubles of the world, which seem so overwhelming right now.  And praying for those who cross my path, even briefly, like the two young girls, who I met within a week of each other, who lost their mothers to cancer.  They were sweet and kind and fun to be with, and I'm glad I got to meet each of them - it helped me remember how blessed we are with our health and our relationships and our time together.

Once again, before we left, we hiked the loop trail that is part shaded, quiet forest and part sunny, open field.  I was reminded again about the parallels with life -  times of darkness, times of solitude, times when the sun blazes above and all is bright and happy and warm.  

With the right frame of mind, the right heart, we can feel joy and see the good in both the forests and the fields.  We can be equipped to handle the good and the bad, the joy and the pain, the sinfulness and the restoration.

I always come home from this view refreshed, ready to take on another challenging year.

Memorial Day - Across the Blue Pacific

Family is link to our past, bridge to our future.

Memorial Day - our gateway to summer.  Today families will gather for food, fellowship and to celebrate freedom - freedom made possible by those who died serving our country.

My little history-loving guy - who's no longer so little -  got to witness first hand his link to the past when he attended a 2008 ceremony honoring my great-uncle Theodore Walker, who was killed (along with his entire submarine crew) off the coast of Japan during World War II.  Uncle Ted was only 23 when he left Midway Island in October 1944 for what would be his last patrol.

Each Memorial Day, we host a family gathering that includes delicious barbecue (this year it's ribs, cooked low and slow), lots of yummy sweets, and time on the deck with all the kids gathered around.  My kids will tell you Memorial Day means school is out and the pool is open.

But today we will pause, to remember those who have served and gone before us...our link to the past...while teaching our children the importance of prayer and peace... Our bridge to the future.

Uncle Ted's mission on the Albacore is fictionalized in a children's book by my aunt, Louise Borden, who writes lovely books based on historical events, particularly WWII. The book is Across the Blue Pacific.

Make a Splash

My children spent 2 hours at a local nursing home the weekend before Christmas, visiting with the residents and singing (along with the rest of their school group) a few off-key Christmas carols.  Their intent is always to play games and put together puzzles and other engaging activities, but the truth is the older people don't want that at all.  "To be honest," one 86-year old told my daughter, "I really don't want to play Uno. Let's just visit." (That made me laugh.)

Most of them have some level of dementia, so conversations can be circular and frustrating.  But the middle-schoolers press on, and by the end of the 2 hours they are scattered among the residents' rooms, looking at memorabilia from wars, listening to stories, seeing family photos and photos of deceased spouses, or helping look for "lost" items ("someone's been stealing my hairbrush" one woman complained).  

There are always some heartwarming moments with these older people, who crave companionship.  ("I'm just here for a week," Mildred told my daughter Annie.  "Then I'm going back to California."  Mildred's been there each of the three times Annie's visited in 2 years; I don't think she's going back to California.)  The older ladies share advice on life, and tell about things they accomplished - one woman tells Annie about her college major, math ("considered strange for girls") and obtaining a master's degree, her proudest moment.   

In a bittersweet moment, one woman caught 2 of the girls and said to them, "Girls, when I look back over my life, I didn't do anything special.  There's nothing remarkable about anything.  My advice to you is when you graduate from high school, find the best job you can.  Aim high.  Get a good education.  While you can, make a splash, so you have something to look back on."

Umm, ouch.  Great advice, but from such a sad place!  Nothing special??  Nothing??  I pressed Annie for details on this one... did she raise a family?  Did she work?  What's the rest of the story??..... But Annie didn't have much more detail.  "She just wanted us to make a splash, Mom. Make memories."  

Life is so short, and so precious.  Most of us will have adventures in life - we'll love, we'll lose, we'll win, we'll fail, we'll have great highs and great lows.  But for the majority of us, the "ripples" from our splash will only impact those in our closest circle - our spouses, children, parents, friends.   But what an impact we can have on even those in our own little pond!  Our small ripples have as lasting an impact on those closest to us as a big splash would.  

So yes, adventure and achievement and pushing boundaries is important... I want my children to do all that and more.  Explore, explore, explore!  Take risks!  But I want them to remember that it's how we love that's what will cause the longest-lasting ripples in life.  Love and care and treating people well.  Serving.  At the end, that's your biggest splash.

What I've Done This Week and Why I Might Be Tired

Photo: Kristine's Famous Pumpkin Cookies (At least what's left of them)

Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit for what is accomplished during a week, and instead focus on all the things I didn't get done.  For example, my current panic is that I didn't look ahead on my calendar to realize I'm hosting a meeting at my house in 3 days - a meeting that requires a clean house and beautiful spread of treats. Oops.  Guess I'll be baking on Sunday afternoon.

But what did happen this week is this:  our 22nd wedding anniversary; a day long volleyball tournament; a 2 hour baseball game; yard work, job work, grocery trips;  taxi-driving to ballet, baseball, basketball and school; a round trip to Arkansas for lunch with my mother-in-law; a sewer leak in the backyard; cooking three dinners and making numerous lunches; put a contract on a new house and then withdrew it; prepared our house to put on the market and then withdrew it; led a volunteer meeting focused on homelessness and poverty; met with the city planning director to discuss homelessness and poverty; hosted an evening dinner meeting for 25 riders who are biking from here to Nashville to raise money ($100,000!) for women and families who need housing; and then my neighbor died.

So maybe I can let myself be tired and not fake too much interest in the playoff games that my husband and son are up watching each night.  (Go Dodgers & Royals).

What I want to take the time to do tonight is to mourn the loss of our wonderful, young, fit and generous neighbor David, who died so young at age 47 of complications from a brain tumor.  David and his adorable wife Amy were so cute together and he so obviously loved her.  They raised two children, who are now in their early 20s, and family meant everything to David.  He gave my own husband lots of encouragement and humor across our backyards that touched - one dad to another, as he told stories of raising his own children in sports and school.  And his faithful yellow lab Maverick, who reminded us so much of our own Ellie who died at 14.

And when J and I told David about the baseball league we helped run for kids with disabilities, David came to check it out one week - and then came faithfully to serve as pitcher most Saturday mornings for 2 years until he became sick.  We saw his son get married just less than a year ago.  So it's all just very...sad.   His life was so meaningful - hard worker, servant, family man, athlete - that it's hard to believe he is gone so young.

His was a life that exemplified the verse I've been reading every day for a few weeks - Proverbs 16:3: "Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed."  Some days I wake up and just "plow ahead."  Some days I wake up full of energy for my family, my marriage, my work.  But on all of those days, I try to apply Proverbs 16:3, and tell myself that with grace and prayer, anything done for God will be a success.

Ultimately, after the long should-we-or-shouldn't-we-move discussions, and backing out of a contract which disappointed the sellers and our friend the realtor, we had some nice reminders of why we love our little community neighborhood.  My friend showed up with her famous pumpkin cookies with buttercream frosting ("to thank us for making the decision to stay"); J helped a neighbor move some furniture, which turned out some funny stories; and our kids were ultimately happy they were staying put.  I've learned (the hard way) that whatever plans we make or move ahead with, if we commit our actions to God, we'll succeed.  Just not always in ways we predict.

Priorities, Protection, & Preparation

So I had one of those really great conversations with a friend yesterday that was spontaneous, yet connecting and authentic.  I stopped by her house to drop something off and we had a 30-minute talk that touched on authenticity, protection, preparation, but mainly - priorities.

My friend B is going through some tough stuff right now - her husband has started a new business, he's in a volunteer position that is engaged in some public controversy, and she's currently nursing her sister through recovery after surgery to repair a broken vertebrae.  So the sister has taken up residence while B and family care for her until she's able to live on her own again.  It was a reminder of how quickly life can change - and the need to be adaptable, to be prepared for life's challenges.

In addition to B's sister, and my husband's treatment for depression this year, we have another friend who's spent 2015 facing a serious illness, a friend going through a divorce, one going through a very public job change, friends who struggle with their children in school, the illness of parents, etc.  B and I talked about all the things that have happened to people we know, and how quickly life can be up-ended.  It makes us consider our priorities, where we spend our time, and are we "ready" for the challenges that will inevitably come?

First, priorities:  B and I talked about how crisis makes you want to circle the wagons... hold your family close.  Facing a crisis really makes you consider where you spend your time.    I spend alot of time with my husband and children.  Time well spent? Yes.  But I also spend alot of time on volunteer committees and boards.  Am I committed to them, do I enjoy them?  Mostly. But am I passionate about all of them?  No.  I now look at every meeting, every volunteer commitment, as an hour away from the more important priorities of my family, my friends, and my job.  So yep, need to purge some of those commitments for sure.  After all, I only have 3 more "first days of school" with my oldest two kiddos.  And, because of extra commitments this week, I'm struggling to find time to bake my best friend's annual coconut birthday cake.  And THAT has to be a priority.

I also spend alot of time in the car - driving 40 minutes round trip to the kids' school, often up to 3 or 4 times a day when you factor in pickups and drop offs and events and sports practice.  We live in our dream home right now - but there's a lovely house for sale three minutes from the school.  Moving would be a big change, but have lots of positive effects on our schedules.  Priority?  Decision to be made this week.

Next, preparation: Are we ever really "prepared" for sudden change, whether it's positive or negative? Sudden illness, sudden loss, or maybe even a golden opportunity that sneaks up?  The answer is no, and yes.  If you're in prayer, and maintain the faith that God's grace and mercy will sustain you, then you can be "prepared."  But that doesn't mean that life's challenges won't knock you to your knees, or take your breath away for a moment.  But remember  - He is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34).  My friend B and I both lean on our faith to face those challenges, and I don't know how others can do it without that core strength and hope that comes through faith!  You can only "prepare" in the sense of knowing that life will change, it will throw you curveballs, people will hurt you, your family will suffer.  But there's always hope around the corner.

Your hope - your faith - is what gives you the "buts" in 2 Corinthians 4:  We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.  We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.

Our friends, our families, are all going to experience challenges and hardships.  Have those conversations with your friends, your partners, your children, your parents.... share your struggles, so others can share theirs.  If we're all authentic, all honest, we can help each other be prepared.

Grace is Enough

In my conversations and therapeutic interactions during the past several weeks, my counselor-friend and I have touched on the subject of Grace.  It brought tears to my eyes twice, in two separate conversations - one where I realized I don't give it like I think I do, and one where I realized I don't accept it, either.

2015 has been a hard, hard year for my family.  For me, for my husband, for our children, and for our marriage.  Tough, tough times.  Through my husband's struggle with - and finally his treatment for - depression, we've had some low lows.  We both need alot of grace - from God and from each other.

I think many of us fall into the trap of believing that our worth is performance-based... which means that from childhood forward many of us believe that we are only as good as our most recent achievement (and conversely, our failures).  And if you believe that your worth stems from what you do - rather than just who you are - it can set you up for great pain and confusion when you face real life - with its combination of glorious successes and falling-down failures.

So when I was listing one day all the things I was ready for J to be doing again, like his "old self" - my trained friend called me out immediately and asked - "so when is it good enough?  What if he stays right where he is?  Is that enough? And what does God say? Doesn't God give mercy and grace right where we are...doesn't he say we're enough?"

Grace is the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it - not because of anything we've done to earn it.  He loves us for who we are, not what we do or have done or will do. And we should give it as freely as we get it..... But how many people in my life believe they have to earn my love? What about my kids?  Do they know that I love them not for their good grades, their behavior, their achievements...do they know that I just love them?

Then my friend stopped me in my tracks again when she asked, "what about you? Do you accept His grace? Try just stopping all you're doing and let God love you - right here, right now. Not when you get things right, not when you've finished your projects, not when you're finally "OK" (whenever that is!) -- just let Him hold you. You don't have to earn it."

Wow.  She caught me. I don't accept Grace any better than I accept a compliment or a favor from a friend. But I should know better..... God loves you. He loves me. We don't have to earn his favor or Grace. We have it...freely given.        

I told another friend last week - my life has had sadness, but it is not sad.  I've experienced alot of pain, but my life is not painful.  It is good, good, good.   There's hope for a beautiful and loving and restored future. But it requires grace... the recognition of it, the giving of it, the acceptance of it.

The Search for Happiness

My husband and I found a quiet gem of a movie to rent while the kids were away at camp this summer.  "Hector & The Search for Happiness" is the story of quirky psychiatrist Hector and his journey, both through geography and experiences, to seek out the things that make people happy, so that he might find his own elusive joy.  It was surprisingly good, and the message is one that resonates (spoiler alert here):  happiness is not the absence of pain or hurt, and it is not solely the presence of joy and satisfaction.  It is the pulsing, chaotic mix of all the feelings we experience in life.

On his search, Hector takes note of what happiness is, and what it isn't. And the movie ends just like you want it to.  Some of his character's realizations are:

"Happiness is being loved for exactly who you are."

That, of course, is what God wants us to know - that He loves us where we are, right now, as is.... we are enough.  So if God loves us for exactly who we are, where we are, why can't we love each other, and ourselves, the same way?

"Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness."

This one is a newer lightbulb for me.  As J and I navigate the next phase of our marriage, we've learned that one trait we've both shared through the years is tiptoeing around the tough stuff.  By avoiding fights, or anger (or even, frankly,  some minor annoyances) we've deprived our relationship of some of the pulsing, chaotic mix of emotions that life and marriage and partnerships inevitably undergo.  We've taken great pains to "protect" each other from conflict, from things that might make us angry, and from things that might make us hurt.  And in doing so - in this silly, subconscious effort to protect ourselves and our bond -we've cheated ourselves out of experiencing many of the things that would strengthen that very bond.

"He took comfort in the rich, random patterns of his life."

Amen.  But this is the toughest lesson of all to learn. It's often only in hindsight that we can see where times of trial or suffering or blood/sweat/tears formed a rich, unique and beautiful pattern, where we thought or hoped there should just be...a flower.    Which leads to this last gem - about how we should view our joys, our suffering, the good stuff and the tough stuff: with gratitude.

"Happiness is a certain way of seeing things."  Yes, it is.






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