Grace is Enough

In my conversations and therapeutic interactions during the past several weeks, my counselor-friend and I have touched on the subject of Grace.  It brought tears to my eyes twice, in two separate conversations - one where I realized I don't give it like I think I do, and one where I realized I don't accept it, either.

2015 has been a hard, hard year for my family.  For me, for my husband, for our children, and for our marriage.  Tough, tough times.  Through my husband's struggle with - and finally his treatment for - depression, we've had some low lows.  We both need alot of grace - from God and from each other.

I think many of us fall into the trap of believing that our worth is performance-based... which means that from childhood forward many of us believe that we are only as good as our most recent achievement (and conversely, our failures).  And if you believe that your worth stems from what you do - rather than just who you are - it can set you up for great pain and confusion when you face real life - with its combination of glorious successes and falling-down failures.

So when I was listing one day all the things I was ready for J to be doing again, like his "old self" - my trained friend called me out immediately and asked - "so when is it good enough?  What if he stays right where he is?  Is that enough? And what does God say? Doesn't God give mercy and grace right where we are...doesn't he say we're enough?"

Grace is the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it - not because of anything we've done to earn it.  He loves us for who we are, not what we do or have done or will do. And we should give it as freely as we get it..... But how many people in my life believe they have to earn my love? What about my kids?  Do they know that I love them not for their good grades, their behavior, their achievements...do they know that I just love them?

Then my friend stopped me in my tracks again when she asked, "what about you? Do you accept His grace? Try just stopping all you're doing and let God love you - right here, right now. Not when you get things right, not when you've finished your projects, not when you're finally "OK" (whenever that is!) -- just let Him hold you. You don't have to earn it."

Wow.  She caught me. I don't accept Grace any better than I accept a compliment or a favor from a friend. But I should know better..... God loves you. He loves me. We don't have to earn his favor or Grace. We have it...freely given.        

I told another friend last week - my life has had sadness, but it is not sad.  I've experienced alot of pain, but my life is not painful.  It is good, good, good.   There's hope for a beautiful and loving and restored future. But it requires grace... the recognition of it, the giving of it, the acceptance of it.

The Search for Happiness

My husband and I found a quiet gem of a movie to rent while the kids were away at camp this summer.  "Hector & The Search for Happiness" is the story of quirky psychiatrist Hector and his journey, both through geography and experiences, to seek out the things that make people happy, so that he might find his own elusive joy.  It was surprisingly good, and the message is one that resonates (spoiler alert here):  happiness is not the absence of pain or hurt, and it is not solely the presence of joy and satisfaction.  It is the pulsing, chaotic mix of all the feelings we experience in life.

On his search, Hector takes note of what happiness is, and what it isn't. And the movie ends just like you want it to.  Some of his character's realizations are:

"Happiness is being loved for exactly who you are."

That, of course, is what God wants us to know - that He loves us where we are, right now, as is.... we are enough.  So if God loves us for exactly who we are, where we are, why can't we love each other, and ourselves, the same way?

"Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness."

This one is a newer lightbulb for me.  As J and I navigate the next phase of our marriage, we've learned that one trait we've both shared through the years is tiptoeing around the tough stuff.  By avoiding fights, or anger (or even, frankly,  some minor annoyances) we've deprived our relationship of some of the pulsing, chaotic mix of emotions that life and marriage and partnerships inevitably undergo.  We've taken great pains to "protect" each other from conflict, from things that might make us angry, and from things that might make us hurt.  And in doing so - in this silly, subconscious effort to protect ourselves and our bond -we've cheated ourselves out of experiencing many of the things that would strengthen that very bond.

"He took comfort in the rich, random patterns of his life."

Amen.  But this is the toughest lesson of all to learn. It's often only in hindsight that we can see where times of trial or suffering or blood/sweat/tears formed a rich, unique and beautiful pattern, where we thought or hoped there should just be...a flower.    Which leads to this last gem - about how we should view our joys, our suffering, the good stuff and the tough stuff: with gratitude.

"Happiness is a certain way of seeing things."  Yes, it is.






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From Beach Towels to Backpacks: New Year's Resolutions

It's the time of year when I make all my "new year's" resolutions, because old habits die HARD, and even though I'm in my 40s, the start of a new school year has always felt like the real "start" of my year... much more so than gloomy January 1.  The sign of the changeover from summer to fall is most apparent in my laundry room - the hooks go from holding bright and cheery striped/flowered swim towels tossed there to dry, to holding the efficient and organized school backpacks.

The start of this particular school year is bittersweet for many reasons...the main one being that the summer was just too darn short.  We limped across the finish line at the end of the last school year coping with family stress on several fronts, and an unscheduled and sunshiny summer was the antidote to a hyper-stressful and gloomy spring.

But now it's time to go back.  So I'm taking stock of what's on tap for the fall - and the sports schedules & dance classes & school events can pretty quickly overwhelm me.  But I am resolving to ride my bike more, train for my favorite 10k race again, make efforts to not let the kids' schedules deplete our limited energy supply.  I'll look at this summer - which was a time of healing and renewal on many levels - and thank God for the time he gave our family to reflect and refresh.

But what I truly hope for as we go back to school is time to write.  The freedom to put my thoughts and feelings and experiences on the blog - and in my very full journal -  has been so good for me.  So as the kids go back to school I resolve to:

• Slow down. Literally. Take more deep breaths and not rush. 
• Write - at least 3 posts per week (drafts count; I don't have to publish EVERYTHING!)
• Take time for self-care (time at the gym, time on the bike, time with friends)
• Enjoy this time in my kids' lives.  My oldest 2 are high school freshmen, and I just love the middle and high school stage of life so far.  They are moody and irritable and all that normal stuff, but they are also funny and smart and trying lots of new things, and they like to be with us most of the time.

We're folding away the beach towels and hanging up the backpacks.  And I resolve to be ready!

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