Priorities, Protection, & Preparation

So I had one of those really great conversations with a friend yesterday that was spontaneous, yet connecting and authentic.  I stopped by her house to drop something off and we had a 30-minute talk that touched on authenticity, protection, preparation, but mainly - priorities.

My friend B is going through some tough stuff right now - her husband has started a new business, he's in a volunteer position that is engaged in some public controversy, and she's currently nursing her sister through recovery after surgery to repair a broken vertebrae.  So the sister has taken up residence while B and family care for her until she's able to live on her own again.  It was a reminder of how quickly life can change - and the need to be adaptable, to be prepared for life's challenges.

In addition to B's sister, and my husband's treatment for depression this year, we have another friend who's spent 2015 facing a serious illness, a friend going through a divorce, one going through a very public job change, friends who struggle with their children in school, the illness of parents, etc.  B and I talked about all the things that have happened to people we know, and how quickly life can be up-ended.  It makes us consider our priorities, where we spend our time, and are we "ready" for the challenges that will inevitably come?

First, priorities:  B and I talked about how crisis makes you want to circle the wagons... hold your family close.  Facing a crisis really makes you consider where you spend your time.    I spend alot of time with my husband and children.  Time well spent? Yes.  But I also spend alot of time on volunteer committees and boards.  Am I committed to them, do I enjoy them?  Mostly. But am I passionate about all of them?  No.  I now look at every meeting, every volunteer commitment, as an hour away from the more important priorities of my family, my friends, and my job.  So yep, need to purge some of those commitments for sure.  After all, I only have 3 more "first days of school" with my oldest two kiddos.  And, because of extra commitments this week, I'm struggling to find time to bake my best friend's annual coconut birthday cake.  And THAT has to be a priority.

I also spend alot of time in the car - driving 40 minutes round trip to the kids' school, often up to 3 or 4 times a day when you factor in pickups and drop offs and events and sports practice.  We live in our dream home right now - but there's a lovely house for sale three minutes from the school.  Moving would be a big change, but have lots of positive effects on our schedules.  Priority?  Decision to be made this week.

Next, preparation: Are we ever really "prepared" for sudden change, whether it's positive or negative? Sudden illness, sudden loss, or maybe even a golden opportunity that sneaks up?  The answer is no, and yes.  If you're in prayer, and maintain the faith that God's grace and mercy will sustain you, then you can be "prepared."  But that doesn't mean that life's challenges won't knock you to your knees, or take your breath away for a moment.  But remember  - He is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34).  My friend B and I both lean on our faith to face those challenges, and I don't know how others can do it without that core strength and hope that comes through faith!  You can only "prepare" in the sense of knowing that life will change, it will throw you curveballs, people will hurt you, your family will suffer.  But there's always hope around the corner.

Your hope - your faith - is what gives you the "buts" in 2 Corinthians 4:  We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.  We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.

Our friends, our families, are all going to experience challenges and hardships.  Have those conversations with your friends, your partners, your children, your parents.... share your struggles, so others can share theirs.  If we're all authentic, all honest, we can help each other be prepared.

Grace is Enough

In my conversations and therapeutic interactions during the past several weeks, my counselor-friend and I have touched on the subject of Grace.  It brought tears to my eyes twice, in two separate conversations - one where I realized I don't give it like I think I do, and one where I realized I don't accept it, either.

2015 has been a hard, hard year for my family.  For me, for my husband, for our children, and for our marriage.  Tough, tough times.  Through my husband's struggle with - and finally his treatment for - depression, we've had some low lows.  We both need alot of grace - from God and from each other.

I think many of us fall into the trap of believing that our worth is performance-based... which means that from childhood forward many of us believe that we are only as good as our most recent achievement (and conversely, our failures).  And if you believe that your worth stems from what you do - rather than just who you are - it can set you up for great pain and confusion when you face real life - with its combination of glorious successes and falling-down failures.

So when I was listing one day all the things I was ready for J to be doing again, like his "old self" - my trained friend called me out immediately and asked - "so when is it good enough?  What if he stays right where he is?  Is that enough? And what does God say? Doesn't God give mercy and grace right where we are...doesn't he say we're enough?"

Grace is the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it - not because of anything we've done to earn it.  He loves us for who we are, not what we do or have done or will do. And we should give it as freely as we get it..... But how many people in my life believe they have to earn my love? What about my kids?  Do they know that I love them not for their good grades, their behavior, their achievements...do they know that I just love them?

Then my friend stopped me in my tracks again when she asked, "what about you? Do you accept His grace? Try just stopping all you're doing and let God love you - right here, right now. Not when you get things right, not when you've finished your projects, not when you're finally "OK" (whenever that is!) -- just let Him hold you. You don't have to earn it."

Wow.  She caught me. I don't accept Grace any better than I accept a compliment or a favor from a friend. But I should know better..... God loves you. He loves me. We don't have to earn his favor or Grace. We have it...freely given.        

I told another friend last week - my life has had sadness, but it is not sad.  I've experienced alot of pain, but my life is not painful.  It is good, good, good.   There's hope for a beautiful and loving and restored future. But it requires grace... the recognition of it, the giving of it, the acceptance of it.

Forests and Fields

Ugh, so apparently I'm going to be writing about ups and downs.  We are vacationing in one of our family's favorite places - Northern Michigan, where you can have cool nights and hot days and woodland hikes and lake swimming and beach fires all rolled into one awesome week.  But as we (and I do mean "we" - it's a family experience) struggle through my husband's depression I'm reminded that it isn't going to give us a vacation reprieve.

Yesterday,  when J spent a good part of his day alone inside, away from the sunshine and family, I thought "I should write a post about tips for dealing with a spouse's depression."  But then I thought - no, that's the action-oriented side of me.  What I really needed was to READ some tips about dealing with a spouse's depression.  So that's what I did.  And it helped.  And they all said mostly the same thing.  The best was a guest article in Psychology Today by a man whose wife had averted suicide.  "Get lots of support" and "Take Care of Yourself."  I'm trying to do more of the second.  But the problem is that when you have to shoulder more than your share of family responsibility alone, it's a lonely existence.  But, I am doing more self-care, and learning to do more activities alone or with the kids (ie, if I want to do it, I just do it, I don't stay home just because J wants to).

But late in the day he rallied and we took the 3 grumbling teens for short hike through the woods to a gorgeous overlook, with sweeping views of Lake Michigan and my favorite sight - the "line where blue meets blue" - seemingly endless blue water meeting the vivid blue sky.  We took pictures (my youngest may not like hiking A WHOLE MILE but she can't resist a good instagram post), we talked and laughed and walked.  On the way back the loop trail emerged from the dim woods into a sunny field, and as the sun hit us I thought, "yes, this is a bit like our day.  Some cloudiness followed by times when I see the clearing."    I see progress in our battle with this depression, and along with the tips written by other families, I'd add - take heart when you see the sun emerge, because it's a good sign.  Encourage it.  I truly believe brighter days are ahead.

Friendship

I live in a relatively small town where it's easy to get to know people, and that means I have a lot of friends.  I've been extra thankful for them over the last 6 months.  I have friends to call when my kids need rides (ballet/volleyball/basketball anyone?), when we're having a party, when I need a favor (extra tables for a recent garage sale), when I need a volunteer for a committee I'm chairing, or when I just want someone to come help me rearrange the furniture in my living room.  I consider myself truly blessed to be surrounded by women who are smart and loving and talented and funny and each bring a special gift to my life.   Importantly, they are part of my kids' lives too.

But I have a smaller, select group who are my go-to gals.  In times of crisis, they answer texts and calls at 2 am.  For real.  There may have been a time when I would have told you that my husband was my best friend and that I didn't have time, as a working mother raising and nurturing a marriage and 3 children, to nurture friendships as well.  But I would have been wrong, and I'm so glad that I took the time to build relationships with friends along the way --  because let me tell you that when your life takes an abrupt turn it's those girls who will have your back.  And I don't mean "Girls Night Out" friends who dress up and go to the wine bar on Tuesdays to talk about shoes and wine and gripe about their husbands.    I mean real friends - no gossip, no false personas.  Real.

We've shared pots and pots and pots of coffee (ok, and the occasional margaritas and red wine, too) over celebrations (children starting kindergarten, baptisms, running our first marathon) and stresses (delays of a years-long adoption process; parents' illnesses; a son's autism; children's struggles in school; illness; marriage crises).  I used to defend my extra tummy weight by thinking of all the lattes I'd shared commiserating and counseling over friends' problems.  (Just made me a better friend, right?)

But then life hit me hard this winter when my husband was diagnosed with a mental illness.  He slowly bottomed out, had a break down, and left me to handle a busy household and children and a business while he entered (long-overdue and much-needed) treatment.  Depression, left unchecked too long, can be devastating to both the sufferer and those who love him (more on that another time).

I will tell you that my faith is the root of what got me through. It gave me a foundation and a purpose and something to hold in lonely times.  But if God was my root, my friends were the blossoms on the plant.

They delivered groceries (I will never forget those bags delivered with grocery staples but also loaded with cherry turnovers, limeade, and Voortman's sugar wafers - in every flavor.)   They sent scripture to me by text and email that landed on my phone screen at JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT.  They built me up in times of doubt and uncertainty, reminding me who I am (and whose I am).   They prayed over me and for me.  They gave me just what I needed - a reminder of myself as myself - one of the girls.  They took me for lunches and dinners and coffees.  Early-morning runs when I just wanted to stay in bed.  My funniest friend stopped by and sat with me on the porch, telling funny stories and sharing neighborhood gossip ("you told me to just keep you laughing" she tells me).

I will tell my daughters - and actually my son, too - that friends are important in every stage of life.  Their wisdom, perspective, loyalty and their differences all are important in the fabric of my life.  We need them... for the celebrations, the difficulties, and just to share the ride.