What I've Done This Week and Why I Might Be Tired

Photo: Kristine's Famous Pumpkin Cookies (At least what's left of them)

Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit for what is accomplished during a week, and instead focus on all the things I didn't get done.  For example, my current panic is that I didn't look ahead on my calendar to realize I'm hosting a meeting at my house in 3 days - a meeting that requires a clean house and beautiful spread of treats. Oops.  Guess I'll be baking on Sunday afternoon.

But what did happen this week is this:  our 22nd wedding anniversary; a day long volleyball tournament; a 2 hour baseball game; yard work, job work, grocery trips;  taxi-driving to ballet, baseball, basketball and school; a round trip to Arkansas for lunch with my mother-in-law; a sewer leak in the backyard; cooking three dinners and making numerous lunches; put a contract on a new house and then withdrew it; prepared our house to put on the market and then withdrew it; led a volunteer meeting focused on homelessness and poverty; met with the city planning director to discuss homelessness and poverty; hosted an evening dinner meeting for 25 riders who are biking from here to Nashville to raise money ($100,000!) for women and families who need housing; and then my neighbor died.

So maybe I can let myself be tired and not fake too much interest in the playoff games that my husband and son are up watching each night.  (Go Dodgers & Royals).

What I want to take the time to do tonight is to mourn the loss of our wonderful, young, fit and generous neighbor David, who died so young at age 47 of complications from a brain tumor.  David and his adorable wife Amy were so cute together and he so obviously loved her.  They raised two children, who are now in their early 20s, and family meant everything to David.  He gave my own husband lots of encouragement and humor across our backyards that touched - one dad to another, as he told stories of raising his own children in sports and school.  And his faithful yellow lab Maverick, who reminded us so much of our own Ellie who died at 14.

And when J and I told David about the baseball league we helped run for kids with disabilities, David came to check it out one week - and then came faithfully to serve as pitcher most Saturday mornings for 2 years until he became sick.  We saw his son get married just less than a year ago.  So it's all just very...sad.   His life was so meaningful - hard worker, servant, family man, athlete - that it's hard to believe he is gone so young.

His was a life that exemplified the verse I've been reading every day for a few weeks - Proverbs 16:3: "Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed."  Some days I wake up and just "plow ahead."  Some days I wake up full of energy for my family, my marriage, my work.  But on all of those days, I try to apply Proverbs 16:3, and tell myself that with grace and prayer, anything done for God will be a success.

Ultimately, after the long should-we-or-shouldn't-we-move discussions, and backing out of a contract which disappointed the sellers and our friend the realtor, we had some nice reminders of why we love our little community neighborhood.  My friend showed up with her famous pumpkin cookies with buttercream frosting ("to thank us for making the decision to stay"); J helped a neighbor move some furniture, which turned out some funny stories; and our kids were ultimately happy they were staying put.  I've learned (the hard way) that whatever plans we make or move ahead with, if we commit our actions to God, we'll succeed.  Just not always in ways we predict.

Grace is Enough

In my conversations and therapeutic interactions during the past several weeks, my counselor-friend and I have touched on the subject of Grace.  It brought tears to my eyes twice, in two separate conversations - one where I realized I don't give it like I think I do, and one where I realized I don't accept it, either.

2015 has been a hard, hard year for my family.  For me, for my husband, for our children, and for our marriage.  Tough, tough times.  Through my husband's struggle with - and finally his treatment for - depression, we've had some low lows.  We both need alot of grace - from God and from each other.

I think many of us fall into the trap of believing that our worth is performance-based... which means that from childhood forward many of us believe that we are only as good as our most recent achievement (and conversely, our failures).  And if you believe that your worth stems from what you do - rather than just who you are - it can set you up for great pain and confusion when you face real life - with its combination of glorious successes and falling-down failures.

So when I was listing one day all the things I was ready for J to be doing again, like his "old self" - my trained friend called me out immediately and asked - "so when is it good enough?  What if he stays right where he is?  Is that enough? And what does God say? Doesn't God give mercy and grace right where we are...doesn't he say we're enough?"

Grace is the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it - not because of anything we've done to earn it.  He loves us for who we are, not what we do or have done or will do. And we should give it as freely as we get it..... But how many people in my life believe they have to earn my love? What about my kids?  Do they know that I love them not for their good grades, their behavior, their achievements...do they know that I just love them?

Then my friend stopped me in my tracks again when she asked, "what about you? Do you accept His grace? Try just stopping all you're doing and let God love you - right here, right now. Not when you get things right, not when you've finished your projects, not when you're finally "OK" (whenever that is!) -- just let Him hold you. You don't have to earn it."

Wow.  She caught me. I don't accept Grace any better than I accept a compliment or a favor from a friend. But I should know better..... God loves you. He loves me. We don't have to earn his favor or Grace. We have it...freely given.        

I told another friend last week - my life has had sadness, but it is not sad.  I've experienced alot of pain, but my life is not painful.  It is good, good, good.   There's hope for a beautiful and loving and restored future. But it requires grace... the recognition of it, the giving of it, the acceptance of it.

Super Summer Reading

What I'm reading this summer:

Summer is the only season where I read book after book after book.  And the season where I ask myself how someone who considers herself a reader and writer can go sooo long without reading a good book!  (Answer to myself: schedule, work, kids, cooking, driving, sports, kids, cooking, laundry....).

Anyway, there's no reason not to have something great on your ipad or kindle at all times, while you're waiting in the carpool line or at yet another soccer practice.  So here's my list of what I'm reading this summer:

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown - this is heavy, but good, and her accompanying TED talk is good, too.  This I'm reading for personal growth & knowledge, and it's a bit heavy, so the heaviness has to be lifted by things like....

Zero Day, The Forgotten, and The Escape by David Baldacci - these were my beach reads.  I always have to have an easy-read thriller or mystery to lose myself in.

The Girl on the Train - a recommendation of my book club.  It was good...with a nice twisty ending.

Dead Wake - I'm just starting this one.  It's about the sinking of the Lusitania, which sounds heavy for poolside reading, but it's by Erik Larson, who wrote Devil in the White City and In the Garden of Beasts.  Hubby recommended it.

The Mended Heart by Suzanne Eller.  I always need one spiritual/inspirational book in my bag, so this is it for July.

In between losing myself in these goodies above, I am coaxing, pleading, arguing and threatening my kids to finish their summer reading assignments for school.  Time to go check on their progress.

Forests and Fields

Ugh, so apparently I'm going to be writing about ups and downs.  We are vacationing in one of our family's favorite places - Northern Michigan, where you can have cool nights and hot days and woodland hikes and lake swimming and beach fires all rolled into one awesome week.  But as we (and I do mean "we" - it's a family experience) struggle through my husband's depression I'm reminded that it isn't going to give us a vacation reprieve.

Yesterday,  when J spent a good part of his day alone inside, away from the sunshine and family, I thought "I should write a post about tips for dealing with a spouse's depression."  But then I thought - no, that's the action-oriented side of me.  What I really needed was to READ some tips about dealing with a spouse's depression.  So that's what I did.  And it helped.  And they all said mostly the same thing.  The best was a guest article in Psychology Today by a man whose wife had averted suicide.  "Get lots of support" and "Take Care of Yourself."  I'm trying to do more of the second.  But the problem is that when you have to shoulder more than your share of family responsibility alone, it's a lonely existence.  But, I am doing more self-care, and learning to do more activities alone or with the kids (ie, if I want to do it, I just do it, I don't stay home just because J wants to).

But late in the day he rallied and we took the 3 grumbling teens for short hike through the woods to a gorgeous overlook, with sweeping views of Lake Michigan and my favorite sight - the "line where blue meets blue" - seemingly endless blue water meeting the vivid blue sky.  We took pictures (my youngest may not like hiking A WHOLE MILE but she can't resist a good instagram post), we talked and laughed and walked.  On the way back the loop trail emerged from the dim woods into a sunny field, and as the sun hit us I thought, "yes, this is a bit like our day.  Some cloudiness followed by times when I see the clearing."    I see progress in our battle with this depression, and along with the tips written by other families, I'd add - take heart when you see the sun emerge, because it's a good sign.  Encourage it.  I truly believe brighter days are ahead.