Make a Splash

My children spent 2 hours at a local nursing home the weekend before Christmas, visiting with the residents and singing (along with the rest of their school group) a few off-key Christmas carols.  Their intent is always to play games and put together puzzles and other engaging activities, but the truth is the older people don't want that at all.  "To be honest," one 86-year old told my daughter, "I really don't want to play Uno. Let's just visit." (That made me laugh.)

Most of them have some level of dementia, so conversations can be circular and frustrating.  But the middle-schoolers press on, and by the end of the 2 hours they are scattered among the residents' rooms, looking at memorabilia from wars, listening to stories, seeing family photos and photos of deceased spouses, or helping look for "lost" items ("someone's been stealing my hairbrush" one woman complained).  

There are always some heartwarming moments with these older people, who crave companionship.  ("I'm just here for a week," Mildred told my daughter Annie.  "Then I'm going back to California."  Mildred's been there each of the three times Annie's visited in 2 years; I don't think she's going back to California.)  The older ladies share advice on life, and tell about things they accomplished - one woman tells Annie about her college major, math ("considered strange for girls") and obtaining a master's degree, her proudest moment.   

In a bittersweet moment, one woman caught 2 of the girls and said to them, "Girls, when I look back over my life, I didn't do anything special.  There's nothing remarkable about anything.  My advice to you is when you graduate from high school, find the best job you can.  Aim high.  Get a good education.  While you can, make a splash, so you have something to look back on."

Umm, ouch.  Great advice, but from such a sad place!  Nothing special??  Nothing??  I pressed Annie for details on this one... did she raise a family?  Did she work?  What's the rest of the story??..... But Annie didn't have much more detail.  "She just wanted us to make a splash, Mom. Make memories."  

Life is so short, and so precious.  Most of us will have adventures in life - we'll love, we'll lose, we'll win, we'll fail, we'll have great highs and great lows.  But for the majority of us, the "ripples" from our splash will only impact those in our closest circle - our spouses, children, parents, friends.   But what an impact we can have on even those in our own little pond!  Our small ripples have as lasting an impact on those closest to us as a big splash would.  

So yes, adventure and achievement and pushing boundaries is important... I want my children to do all that and more.  Explore, explore, explore!  Take risks!  But I want them to remember that it's how we love that's what will cause the longest-lasting ripples in life.  Love and care and treating people well.  Serving.  At the end, that's your biggest splash.

What I've Done This Week and Why I Might Be Tired

Photo: Kristine's Famous Pumpkin Cookies (At least what's left of them)

Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit for what is accomplished during a week, and instead focus on all the things I didn't get done.  For example, my current panic is that I didn't look ahead on my calendar to realize I'm hosting a meeting at my house in 3 days - a meeting that requires a clean house and beautiful spread of treats. Oops.  Guess I'll be baking on Sunday afternoon.

But what did happen this week is this:  our 22nd wedding anniversary; a day long volleyball tournament; a 2 hour baseball game; yard work, job work, grocery trips;  taxi-driving to ballet, baseball, basketball and school; a round trip to Arkansas for lunch with my mother-in-law; a sewer leak in the backyard; cooking three dinners and making numerous lunches; put a contract on a new house and then withdrew it; prepared our house to put on the market and then withdrew it; led a volunteer meeting focused on homelessness and poverty; met with the city planning director to discuss homelessness and poverty; hosted an evening dinner meeting for 25 riders who are biking from here to Nashville to raise money ($100,000!) for women and families who need housing; and then my neighbor died.

So maybe I can let myself be tired and not fake too much interest in the playoff games that my husband and son are up watching each night.  (Go Dodgers & Royals).

What I want to take the time to do tonight is to mourn the loss of our wonderful, young, fit and generous neighbor David, who died so young at age 47 of complications from a brain tumor.  David and his adorable wife Amy were so cute together and he so obviously loved her.  They raised two children, who are now in their early 20s, and family meant everything to David.  He gave my own husband lots of encouragement and humor across our backyards that touched - one dad to another, as he told stories of raising his own children in sports and school.  And his faithful yellow lab Maverick, who reminded us so much of our own Ellie who died at 14.

And when J and I told David about the baseball league we helped run for kids with disabilities, David came to check it out one week - and then came faithfully to serve as pitcher most Saturday mornings for 2 years until he became sick.  We saw his son get married just less than a year ago.  So it's all just very...sad.   His life was so meaningful - hard worker, servant, family man, athlete - that it's hard to believe he is gone so young.

His was a life that exemplified the verse I've been reading every day for a few weeks - Proverbs 16:3: "Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed."  Some days I wake up and just "plow ahead."  Some days I wake up full of energy for my family, my marriage, my work.  But on all of those days, I try to apply Proverbs 16:3, and tell myself that with grace and prayer, anything done for God will be a success.

Ultimately, after the long should-we-or-shouldn't-we-move discussions, and backing out of a contract which disappointed the sellers and our friend the realtor, we had some nice reminders of why we love our little community neighborhood.  My friend showed up with her famous pumpkin cookies with buttercream frosting ("to thank us for making the decision to stay"); J helped a neighbor move some furniture, which turned out some funny stories; and our kids were ultimately happy they were staying put.  I've learned (the hard way) that whatever plans we make or move ahead with, if we commit our actions to God, we'll succeed.  Just not always in ways we predict.

Priorities, Protection, & Preparation

So I had one of those really great conversations with a friend yesterday that was spontaneous, yet connecting and authentic.  I stopped by her house to drop something off and we had a 30-minute talk that touched on authenticity, protection, preparation, but mainly - priorities.

My friend B is going through some tough stuff right now - her husband has started a new business, he's in a volunteer position that is engaged in some public controversy, and she's currently nursing her sister through recovery after surgery to repair a broken vertebrae.  So the sister has taken up residence while B and family care for her until she's able to live on her own again.  It was a reminder of how quickly life can change - and the need to be adaptable, to be prepared for life's challenges.

In addition to B's sister, and my husband's treatment for depression this year, we have another friend who's spent 2015 facing a serious illness, a friend going through a divorce, one going through a very public job change, friends who struggle with their children in school, the illness of parents, etc.  B and I talked about all the things that have happened to people we know, and how quickly life can be up-ended.  It makes us consider our priorities, where we spend our time, and are we "ready" for the challenges that will inevitably come?

First, priorities:  B and I talked about how crisis makes you want to circle the wagons... hold your family close.  Facing a crisis really makes you consider where you spend your time.    I spend alot of time with my husband and children.  Time well spent? Yes.  But I also spend alot of time on volunteer committees and boards.  Am I committed to them, do I enjoy them?  Mostly. But am I passionate about all of them?  No.  I now look at every meeting, every volunteer commitment, as an hour away from the more important priorities of my family, my friends, and my job.  So yep, need to purge some of those commitments for sure.  After all, I only have 3 more "first days of school" with my oldest two kiddos.  And, because of extra commitments this week, I'm struggling to find time to bake my best friend's annual coconut birthday cake.  And THAT has to be a priority.

I also spend alot of time in the car - driving 40 minutes round trip to the kids' school, often up to 3 or 4 times a day when you factor in pickups and drop offs and events and sports practice.  We live in our dream home right now - but there's a lovely house for sale three minutes from the school.  Moving would be a big change, but have lots of positive effects on our schedules.  Priority?  Decision to be made this week.

Next, preparation: Are we ever really "prepared" for sudden change, whether it's positive or negative? Sudden illness, sudden loss, or maybe even a golden opportunity that sneaks up?  The answer is no, and yes.  If you're in prayer, and maintain the faith that God's grace and mercy will sustain you, then you can be "prepared."  But that doesn't mean that life's challenges won't knock you to your knees, or take your breath away for a moment.  But remember  - He is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34).  My friend B and I both lean on our faith to face those challenges, and I don't know how others can do it without that core strength and hope that comes through faith!  You can only "prepare" in the sense of knowing that life will change, it will throw you curveballs, people will hurt you, your family will suffer.  But there's always hope around the corner.

Your hope - your faith - is what gives you the "buts" in 2 Corinthians 4:  We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.  We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.  We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.

Our friends, our families, are all going to experience challenges and hardships.  Have those conversations with your friends, your partners, your children, your parents.... share your struggles, so others can share theirs.  If we're all authentic, all honest, we can help each other be prepared.

Grace is Enough

In my conversations and therapeutic interactions during the past several weeks, my counselor-friend and I have touched on the subject of Grace.  It brought tears to my eyes twice, in two separate conversations - one where I realized I don't give it like I think I do, and one where I realized I don't accept it, either.

2015 has been a hard, hard year for my family.  For me, for my husband, for our children, and for our marriage.  Tough, tough times.  Through my husband's struggle with - and finally his treatment for - depression, we've had some low lows.  We both need alot of grace - from God and from each other.

I think many of us fall into the trap of believing that our worth is performance-based... which means that from childhood forward many of us believe that we are only as good as our most recent achievement (and conversely, our failures).  And if you believe that your worth stems from what you do - rather than just who you are - it can set you up for great pain and confusion when you face real life - with its combination of glorious successes and falling-down failures.

So when I was listing one day all the things I was ready for J to be doing again, like his "old self" - my trained friend called me out immediately and asked - "so when is it good enough?  What if he stays right where he is?  Is that enough? And what does God say? Doesn't God give mercy and grace right where we are...doesn't he say we're enough?"

Grace is the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it - not because of anything we've done to earn it.  He loves us for who we are, not what we do or have done or will do. And we should give it as freely as we get it..... But how many people in my life believe they have to earn my love? What about my kids?  Do they know that I love them not for their good grades, their behavior, their achievements...do they know that I just love them?

Then my friend stopped me in my tracks again when she asked, "what about you? Do you accept His grace? Try just stopping all you're doing and let God love you - right here, right now. Not when you get things right, not when you've finished your projects, not when you're finally "OK" (whenever that is!) -- just let Him hold you. You don't have to earn it."

Wow.  She caught me. I don't accept Grace any better than I accept a compliment or a favor from a friend. But I should know better..... God loves you. He loves me. We don't have to earn his favor or Grace. We have it...freely given.        

I told another friend last week - my life has had sadness, but it is not sad.  I've experienced alot of pain, but my life is not painful.  It is good, good, good.   There's hope for a beautiful and loving and restored future. But it requires grace... the recognition of it, the giving of it, the acceptance of it.

The Search for Happiness

My husband and I found a quiet gem of a movie to rent while the kids were away at camp this summer.  "Hector & The Search for Happiness" is the story of quirky psychiatrist Hector and his journey, both through geography and experiences, to seek out the things that make people happy, so that he might find his own elusive joy.  It was surprisingly good, and the message is one that resonates (spoiler alert here):  happiness is not the absence of pain or hurt, and it is not solely the presence of joy and satisfaction.  It is the pulsing, chaotic mix of all the feelings we experience in life.

On his search, Hector takes note of what happiness is, and what it isn't. And the movie ends just like you want it to.  Some of his character's realizations are:

"Happiness is being loved for exactly who you are."

That, of course, is what God wants us to know - that He loves us where we are, right now, as is.... we are enough.  So if God loves us for exactly who we are, where we are, why can't we love each other, and ourselves, the same way?

"Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness."

This one is a newer lightbulb for me.  As J and I navigate the next phase of our marriage, we've learned that one trait we've both shared through the years is tiptoeing around the tough stuff.  By avoiding fights, or anger (or even, frankly,  some minor annoyances) we've deprived our relationship of some of the pulsing, chaotic mix of emotions that life and marriage and partnerships inevitably undergo.  We've taken great pains to "protect" each other from conflict, from things that might make us angry, and from things that might make us hurt.  And in doing so - in this silly, subconscious effort to protect ourselves and our bond -we've cheated ourselves out of experiencing many of the things that would strengthen that very bond.

"He took comfort in the rich, random patterns of his life."

Amen.  But this is the toughest lesson of all to learn. It's often only in hindsight that we can see where times of trial or suffering or blood/sweat/tears formed a rich, unique and beautiful pattern, where we thought or hoped there should just be...a flower.    Which leads to this last gem - about how we should view our joys, our suffering, the good stuff and the tough stuff: with gratitude.

"Happiness is a certain way of seeing things."  Yes, it is.






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From Beach Towels to Backpacks: New Year's Resolutions

It's the time of year when I make all my "new year's" resolutions, because old habits die HARD, and even though I'm in my 40s, the start of a new school year has always felt like the real "start" of my year... much more so than gloomy January 1.  The sign of the changeover from summer to fall is most apparent in my laundry room - the hooks go from holding bright and cheery striped/flowered swim towels tossed there to dry, to holding the efficient and organized school backpacks.

The start of this particular school year is bittersweet for many reasons...the main one being that the summer was just too darn short.  We limped across the finish line at the end of the last school year coping with family stress on several fronts, and an unscheduled and sunshiny summer was the antidote to a hyper-stressful and gloomy spring.

But now it's time to go back.  So I'm taking stock of what's on tap for the fall - and the sports schedules & dance classes & school events can pretty quickly overwhelm me.  But I am resolving to ride my bike more, train for my favorite 10k race again, make efforts to not let the kids' schedules deplete our limited energy supply.  I'll look at this summer - which was a time of healing and renewal on many levels - and thank God for the time he gave our family to reflect and refresh.

But what I truly hope for as we go back to school is time to write.  The freedom to put my thoughts and feelings and experiences on the blog - and in my very full journal -  has been so good for me.  So as the kids go back to school I resolve to:

• Slow down. Literally. Take more deep breaths and not rush. 
• Write - at least 3 posts per week (drafts count; I don't have to publish EVERYTHING!)
• Take time for self-care (time at the gym, time on the bike, time with friends)
• Enjoy this time in my kids' lives.  My oldest 2 are high school freshmen, and I just love the middle and high school stage of life so far.  They are moody and irritable and all that normal stuff, but they are also funny and smart and trying lots of new things, and they like to be with us most of the time.

We're folding away the beach towels and hanging up the backpacks.  And I resolve to be ready!

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Super Summer Reading

What I'm reading this summer:

Summer is the only season where I read book after book after book.  And the season where I ask myself how someone who considers herself a reader and writer can go sooo long without reading a good book!  (Answer to myself: schedule, work, kids, cooking, driving, sports, kids, cooking, laundry....).

Anyway, there's no reason not to have something great on your ipad or kindle at all times, while you're waiting in the carpool line or at yet another soccer practice.  So here's my list of what I'm reading this summer:

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown - this is heavy, but good, and her accompanying TED talk is good, too.  This I'm reading for personal growth & knowledge, and it's a bit heavy, so the heaviness has to be lifted by things like....

Zero Day, The Forgotten, and The Escape by David Baldacci - these were my beach reads.  I always have to have an easy-read thriller or mystery to lose myself in.

The Girl on the Train - a recommendation of my book club.  It was good...with a nice twisty ending.

Dead Wake - I'm just starting this one.  It's about the sinking of the Lusitania, which sounds heavy for poolside reading, but it's by Erik Larson, who wrote Devil in the White City and In the Garden of Beasts.  Hubby recommended it.

The Mended Heart by Suzanne Eller.  I always need one spiritual/inspirational book in my bag, so this is it for July.

In between losing myself in these goodies above, I am coaxing, pleading, arguing and threatening my kids to finish their summer reading assignments for school.  Time to go check on their progress.

Pepsi Days

Through my teenage years I avoided outdoor exercise, outdoor yard work, outdoor walks, and pretty much anything OUTDOORS.  I didn't like to be hot, cold, or have my beautifully aqua-netted bangs messed up.  I remember days when my parents and brothers were out mowing and trimming and my attitude about helping was SO BAD that my mom pretty much left me in my room and didn't bother to have the fight it would take to get me outside.  But now that I'm an adult I absolutely love, love, love to be outside in nature.  And being in the mild summer temperatures of Northern Michigan means that I am walking, running or biking pretty much anywhere I need to go.  Whether it's a short walk to achieve my FitBit goal for the day, a 24-mile bike trip along the paved TART trail, a woods hike up to Empire Bluff, or just reading my book on the porch, I want to be outside under the blue Michigan skies and green Michigan leaves.  

When I was young (it was the 70s, I was maybe 7?) Pepsi had these awesome commercials on the air with the tagline "Have a Pepsi Day!"  (Sigourney Weaver was actually featured in one; hopefully my link works and you can watch it here: (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qM3xWjKFEpU).  My links never work.  Just google it.

But anyway, my mom and I went off to spend the day together and she was telling me what fun we'd have and I asked "Mom, can we please have a Pepsi day?"  Of course she thought that was the cutest so to this day, a super wonderful, practically perfect day is described by me as a Pepsi Day.  I haven't had too many of those this year, but yesterday and today come close.  And tonight, after pizza on the patio, a full day of biking and walking and hammock naps and watching J and 12-year-old C on the lake in the little boat as the sun sets, my heart is pretty full.  

A day to remember

Again, we took the 3 kids (14, 14, almost 13) against their will on a 1/2 day adventure and hike and again, they ended up loving it.  Picturesque town, gorgeous bluff views of Lake Michigan, and plenty of opportunities for picture-taking.  I read an article somewhere this week advising on ways to get along with your teenager, and I've decided to try some of the techniques.  My 3 are not into the 'terrible teen' phase at all, but their attitudes (mainly toward each other) can be NOT FRIENDLY at times. (I still prefer teens over toddlers.)   So when we announced we were taking them on a short road trip and another hike I deflected the groans and eyerolls by promising photo opps (I'm telling you, they can't resist a good Instagram post) and food.  So we took off and I even sat myself in the dreaded third row seat and let one of them sit up front with dad.  The bluff hike was short and pretty, lunch at Joe's Friendly Tavern hit the spot, and afterward we walked to the beach before heading home.  A pretty perfect day!  This is a direct quote:  "I loved it there!"  Success. :)

Forests and Fields

Ugh, so apparently I'm going to be writing about ups and downs.  We are vacationing in one of our family's favorite places - Northern Michigan, where you can have cool nights and hot days and woodland hikes and lake swimming and beach fires all rolled into one awesome week.  But as we (and I do mean "we" - it's a family experience) struggle through my husband's depression I'm reminded that it isn't going to give us a vacation reprieve.

Yesterday,  when J spent a good part of his day alone inside, away from the sunshine and family, I thought "I should write a post about tips for dealing with a spouse's depression."  But then I thought - no, that's the action-oriented side of me.  What I really needed was to READ some tips about dealing with a spouse's depression.  So that's what I did.  And it helped.  And they all said mostly the same thing.  The best was a guest article in Psychology Today by a man whose wife had averted suicide.  "Get lots of support" and "Take Care of Yourself."  I'm trying to do more of the second.  But the problem is that when you have to shoulder more than your share of family responsibility alone, it's a lonely existence.  But, I am doing more self-care, and learning to do more activities alone or with the kids (ie, if I want to do it, I just do it, I don't stay home just because J wants to).

But late in the day he rallied and we took the 3 grumbling teens for short hike through the woods to a gorgeous overlook, with sweeping views of Lake Michigan and my favorite sight - the "line where blue meets blue" - seemingly endless blue water meeting the vivid blue sky.  We took pictures (my youngest may not like hiking A WHOLE MILE but she can't resist a good instagram post), we talked and laughed and walked.  On the way back the loop trail emerged from the dim woods into a sunny field, and as the sun hit us I thought, "yes, this is a bit like our day.  Some cloudiness followed by times when I see the clearing."    I see progress in our battle with this depression, and along with the tips written by other families, I'd add - take heart when you see the sun emerge, because it's a good sign.  Encourage it.  I truly believe brighter days are ahead.

Headed North!

Love the freedom of heading out for vacation!  2 weeks in the beautiful, soul-nurturing woods and lakes of Northern Michigan.... my true north.  We get to re-set our compasses for the coming (school) year, and enjoy the beauty of the woods, the lakes, the beaches, the bike trails and the cherry orchards.  I'm looking forward to coffee on the porch in the cool morning air, and wine on the patio in the evenings, fire pit roaring!  Even the grouchy teenagers are in decent moods as we drive.  And best of all, they are old enough to PACK FOR THEMSELVES!!!  This is right up there with "potty-trained" and leaving them home alone for the first time.  Asking them to be packed and ready and having them actually do it? That cut about, oh, a HUNDRED hours from my week.  We're off!

True Love and Grief and Healing

Three meaningful experiences this week, each an earthly example of Romans 8:28.

1) my son's friend was hospitalized with a life-threatening brain infection.  Very rare, very sudden, very scary.  He was taken to the ER; flown to a children's medical center 200 miles away for specialized care; he will spend at least 3 more weeks in the hospital.  Immediately the texts and facebook posts and prayer chains went out - he was in bad shape and if he recovered, would likely have mild to severe brain damage.  That was less than one week ago and today that bright 13-year-old is asking his middle school friends to visit, working a Rubik's cube, and reciting European state capitals.  According to his mom, the doctors are astounded at his recovery and his seemingly normal cognitive abilities.  The power of prayer, people.  I'm telling you it works!  Healing is underway.

2) The shooting in Charleston.  At church.  During a Bible study.  The loss of such Godly, kind and accepting people (they welcomed the shooter, a stranger, into their group for an hour before the killing began) is too much to bear.  Yet there they were - the people of Charleston - arm in arm outside that same church singing and praying and grieving together, taking an evil act and transforming it into something good - people united in praise, and their desire to see love conquer evil.  This weekend I got to visit the federal memorial at the site of the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing. The memorial grants an amazing and powerful experience.  I was struck by the different elements of remembrance and hope; grief and healing.  Most interesting to me was the entrance gate is marked "9:01" signifying the time of morning in which all was still normal.  Then you enter the very beautiful and solemn memorial park - and learn that the bomb went off at 9:02.  At the other end, a gate is etched "9:03" to signify the moment that "healing began."  Wow.  Immediately, people rushed in to help the survivors and the fallen.  Healing began.  Charleston seems much the same way - those families are in deep grief, but almost immediately, the community came together and -  healing began.

3) The third experience was via the James Taylor channel,  playing on XM radio.  Can you say yay??  I loved the Billy Joel channel last fall and now I'm reliving so many memories with JT.   I am a huge James Taylor fan - my memories of him begin early with my dad's 8-track player - I vividly remember the cover art (were those stickers??) on the 8-track of "Sweet Baby James."  They continued through apparently college, because a later James Taylor song called "Never Die Young" came on and I was literally transported back in time! (I've since looked it up and the album was released in 1988).   The words came to me immediately and I sang along, trying to place the feelings that the song stirred.  Oh yes, I remember... young love.  I could picture that young sweet couple he was singing about, and my dreams of being half of such a couple. It's about a boy and girl who were "glued together body and soul" despite a small town's cynicism and opinions that it couldn't last.  I've now played this song about 20 times since I rediscovered it and it alternately brings tears (for dreams unrealized) and a smile at the innocence with which I used to dream and sing.  I am at a crossroads in my marriage  - deciding whether to trust God and perhaps find that healing can begin.  If I can see Romans 8:28 (And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him) in my son's friend, and in Oklahoma City, and in Charleston, can I see it for myself?  More importantly, for my husband?  Will we will commit and work hard and discover a "love that we never could have dreamed of" - that it truly can be better and wonderful - or throw in the towel and find a different, easier path?  To be determined.  But maybe it's time to put a time stamp on the destruction and hurt, and believe that the time for healing is here.
Romans 8:28 is working in my heart and it's visible through my experiences this week.  Let's see where God takes it.

Friendship

I live in a relatively small town where it's easy to get to know people, and that means I have a lot of friends.  I've been extra thankful for them over the last 6 months.  I have friends to call when my kids need rides (ballet/volleyball/basketball anyone?), when we're having a party, when I need a favor (extra tables for a recent garage sale), when I need a volunteer for a committee I'm chairing, or when I just want someone to come help me rearrange the furniture in my living room.  I consider myself truly blessed to be surrounded by women who are smart and loving and talented and funny and each bring a special gift to my life.   Importantly, they are part of my kids' lives too.

But I have a smaller, select group who are my go-to gals.  In times of crisis, they answer texts and calls at 2 am.  For real.  There may have been a time when I would have told you that my husband was my best friend and that I didn't have time, as a working mother raising and nurturing a marriage and 3 children, to nurture friendships as well.  But I would have been wrong, and I'm so glad that I took the time to build relationships with friends along the way --  because let me tell you that when your life takes an abrupt turn it's those girls who will have your back.  And I don't mean "Girls Night Out" friends who dress up and go to the wine bar on Tuesdays to talk about shoes and wine and gripe about their husbands.    I mean real friends - no gossip, no false personas.  Real.

We've shared pots and pots and pots of coffee (ok, and the occasional margaritas and red wine, too) over celebrations (children starting kindergarten, baptisms, running our first marathon) and stresses (delays of a years-long adoption process; parents' illnesses; a son's autism; children's struggles in school; illness; marriage crises).  I used to defend my extra tummy weight by thinking of all the lattes I'd shared commiserating and counseling over friends' problems.  (Just made me a better friend, right?)

But then life hit me hard this winter when my husband was diagnosed with a mental illness.  He slowly bottomed out, had a break down, and left me to handle a busy household and children and a business while he entered (long-overdue and much-needed) treatment.  Depression, left unchecked too long, can be devastating to both the sufferer and those who love him (more on that another time).

I will tell you that my faith is the root of what got me through. It gave me a foundation and a purpose and something to hold in lonely times.  But if God was my root, my friends were the blossoms on the plant.

They delivered groceries (I will never forget those bags delivered with grocery staples but also loaded with cherry turnovers, limeade, and Voortman's sugar wafers - in every flavor.)   They sent scripture to me by text and email that landed on my phone screen at JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT.  They built me up in times of doubt and uncertainty, reminding me who I am (and whose I am).   They prayed over me and for me.  They gave me just what I needed - a reminder of myself as myself - one of the girls.  They took me for lunches and dinners and coffees.  Early-morning runs when I just wanted to stay in bed.  My funniest friend stopped by and sat with me on the porch, telling funny stories and sharing neighborhood gossip ("you told me to just keep you laughing" she tells me).

I will tell my daughters - and actually my son, too - that friends are important in every stage of life.  Their wisdom, perspective, loyalty and their differences all are important in the fabric of my life.  We need them... for the celebrations, the difficulties, and just to share the ride.